Mother: one? Wuv? Do you wuv me?
Baby: w-ww- Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
Think it's in there?
All right. Let's get it!
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Get up! Come on!
(crying) This cage is too small.
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
Next! What have you got?
This little wooden puppet.
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
Next! What have you got?
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
Get her out of my sight.
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
Hey! I can fly!
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
He can talk!
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
You there. Ogre!
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
Oh, that's great. Really.
Man, it's good to be free.
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
Why are you following me?
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
Man, I like you. What's you name?